Saturday, February 28, 2009

Pain makes man think. Thought makes man wise. Wisdom makes life endurable.

I've open and closed this page ... wondering what I should write, how I should write it or if it even should be written ..

I have sooo much to say but it all seems sooo foolish ... Free write perhaps? I doubt it'll make sense but here's a personal cleansing of the mind...

Life.. love.. relationships.. work..
Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of it.. who knows.
I don't know what I want .. but I want you to know.
I know it shouldn't be but everything else is telling me yes...

The way I treat you isn't only unfair to you but unfair to myself, especially my sanity...
I come across one way but I'm full of much much more emotion .. deceit perhaps..

deceitful...lonely...sad....fullfilled...happy..
liar, truthful, arrogant, emotional ... emotionless

Mixed up and uncertain .. Happy but aware of the good ol' saying
"what goes around comes around"
and fearful of that day, trying to make sense of the actions that are taking place...wondering why I'm doing this...why you're doing it...
is it worth it or is it not?

am I going to get bitten in the butt twice as hard...do I deserve it ? is it even coming?
I like the walls.. lets go back to the walls.. let me go back to childhood when life was sooo much more simple...when my biggest worry was cooties and whether or not my mom washed my favorite shirt..

It wont make sense.. I wish I can just say what I'm feeling but its way tooo much .. too intense.. maybe I'm just scared to hear it out loud... scared of who I become.. I'm not a bad person .. rather a person I always admired from a far... but now that I have taken on the attitude of the person I always wanted to be.. I feel like I lost myself.. I feel like its a big show ... or maybe its who I become now...is their a chance to start over?

Theirs always a chance for change.. its just becoming strong enough to endure it...I don't think I'm there yet..

6 Freakin Comments!:

Love<3 said...

I get what you're saying in a way.
Life can be difficult.
Keep your head up you are beautiful.

Anonymous said...

You are gorgeous. No one should put you down. . . if thats what you're meaaning lol

killuh™ said...

ofc i dont entirely understand, because as detailed as yu were, yu didn't say the actual problem ur facing..
but; i def feel yu though..the feeling of losing urself is sucha horrible thing, a few posts back i said the same thing..
it's crazy when even you don't know who you are, or you do, but you don't wana admit it. esp if someone else tells yu something about urself, something yu promised yu'd never be..
life is kinda sick.
--but we're just some constant contradictions :[ i hope yu find some clarity of mind mama.

-killuh™

Anonymous said...

She stated it wouldn't make sense!!

LazyKing said...

you will get there...

JERSEY SUPREME said...

Don't be scared. You'll find me saying this from time to time; "The greatest risk is not taking one." There's always a chance of starting over, it's the idea of actually doing it. Hold your head up high, dear. :]